Tales from the Crypt - Season 4, Episode 12: "Strung Along"

Plot:
Joseph Renfield is a sweet aging puppeteer and former TV star who's having a lot of problems with his younger wife, Ellen. She's particularly unhappy with how much of a recluse he is- they never go out anywhere together. And how jealous he is that she's a popular actress. This gets to be such a problem that she doesn't spend much time with friends anymore. He also has health problems and is becoming deeply sorrowful and depressed. He talks to himself, they start drifting apart. Then, he gets a letter that cheers him up. He's been asked to participate in a television special and they want him to do one of his old puppet acts. But Ellen doesn't want him overdoing it so he agrees to hire an assistant. Along comes David. And he wants to change the old act. He's also only too happy to stir things up even more between Joseph and Ellen. Leading Joseph to start talking again - about doing something to fix the Ellen situation. He wants to divorce her. But his puppet Koco has something deadlier in mind.































Thoughts & Observations:
Kevin Yagher strikes again! After season 2's weak "Lower Berth," he returns to direct another stinker with this awful season 4 contribution. A bit of a mix of 1978's Magic, 1988's Child's Play (why not? Yagher is responsible for the look of Chucky, and if you notice- you'll see him and The Cryptkeeper have the exact same eyeballs), and season 2's "Three's a Crowd" with some of "The Ventriloquist's Dummy"s freak factor...and a little of season 3's "Spoiled" to round it out. Donald O'Connor's kindly old puppeteer is too old-fashioned and classic in his manners while all the rest of the people he knows are too obnoxious, loud, and impulsive. His sweet old man routine does not mix well with the unbelievably shrill and callow soap-opera theatrics of Patricia Charbonneau, nor the intensely seductive bedroom-voiced therapist routine Zach Galligan's (Gremlins, Waxwork) got going on. He's so irritatingly child-like here, he borders on prepubescent. At one point O'Connor mentions Galligan kissing his ass... and that's exactly what it feels like he's doing. He could be talking to anyone this way and it would seem as though he were trying to seduce them. The twist comes too little, too late, and so does the blood-letting- of which there isn't nearly enough. And in the meantime, all this episode has amounted to was a really, really, really bad soap-opera ... about a puppeteer... and a creepy clown marionette... Huh? This one is so bad, it hurts. Definitely one of the worst of the season.































Grades
Writing: C-

This one's a sincere toss-up. Because the biggest problem here is not that it's a bad idea. Exactly. It's just an extremely lame idea. The twist is much too loaded and lacks balance. Like much of season 4, it's just there for shock value and lacks the proper build-up to the true shocks of season 3 (the show's best season, by far). It basically comes out of nowhere and it all rests on the second biggest cliche of the series, which makes this episode different from the quite amusingly bad shock that topped the deliriously bizarre first episode, Tom Hank's "None but the Lonely Heart." It also doesn't have the almost anger-inducing novelty of episode 5's finisher to Stephen Hopkins' "Beauty Rest." I have a theory that killer-doll type plots are the hardest to make interesting. You're lucky if you can get by on just the creepiness factor alone (and Koco is not creepy). This story might have worked with a different cast. As it stands... it's pretty much impossible to think anything about these characters other than: "I can't wait 'til they're dead."
















Style / Direction: C

One of the problems with watching the episode now is fucking Warner Bros. owning the rights to the show. Sure, HBO's transfers on their horror DVD's often looked like shit (especially 1995's underrated - and likely to stay that way, thanks to that retarded company - Tales from the Hood). Even on John Waters' splatter-film comedy/satire, Serial Mom. But had the rights to this television franchise fallen in Universal's lap instead, you could pretty much bet big money on the transfer being better. This season looks like shit run over twice on DVD. Awful color timing (in darkly lit rooms, you can barely make out the actors having faces at all). So it would be almost impossible to appreciate the episode for how Yagher might have been trying to work with darkness and shadows (of which, there is a lot of both here). But there are some good things to look at onscreen. Mostly Patricia's sexy, tight skin, and Zach Galligan's hypnotically melting brown eyes. And Donald O'Connor's big, hot-looking butt. Don't look at me like that- he was in his early 60's at the time (and how old is Sylvester Stallone now?). He was fit enough and even showed off that he still had lots of spice in an episode of The Nanny. Besides, Patricia's character still had sex with him. Also, the house the couple live in is really nice (and I've got a weird thing about pool scenes anyway).































Acting: D

Donald O'Connor does not belong here. And when I say that, I mean it as a compliment. The only way to describe this mix of people is with words like "vulgar" and phrases like "we passed awkward weeks ago." Wife Ellen is clearly a gold-digger. Not just because of the age difference, but because of how pushy and demanding she is (how could a marriage possibly have lasted this long when she goes berserk over the smallest things). She speeds through lines, barks reversed-psychological threats, and when she gets mad... she seeks to tear the other person's head off. Her character is meant to be yelling in harmony with the now elevated intensity level of the conversation. But this woman is screaming- like a person does when they want the argument over and done-with now. Your brain barely even registers what she's saying, you mainly hear the booming volume level (and her voice honestly sounds much too like Sigourney Weaver's - an actress who actually knew a thing or two about balance). Galligan is too... distracting to be a righteous figure here. He takes the position of being the one to say everything the Joseph character wants to say to Ellen but can't, "calling her out" for possibly cheating on him, being nasty, etc. Yet, his character never rises above that "I say I'm your friend but I'm really madly in love with you" implication that is inherent in all his performances. But, O'Connor is doing a serviceable job.































Special Effects / Gore: D+

As far as technical credit goes, the puppets look good but not creepy. The effect of their usage is meant to suggest psychological freakiness and not blatant killer-doll creature fx. Except in one, really fake-looking, stabbing scene. The most impressive thing you'll see is a decent slashed throat. And when I say slashed instead of slashing, I mean just that. A pre-slashed throat. I'm not a demanding gorehound but I say it's the least they can give us in something this awful- a creepy killer doll and some neat gore effects (especially since Child's Play was lite on gore and the death scenes weren't that great anyway). You'll get neither here, but you could do worse than what you do get here.































Music Score: C-

For a 27-minute episode of an HBO show, this music score is decent. Though, like everything in this episode, it's decent at best and nothing more. The main theme is good and circus-y. A bit like a jack in the box. And you may even find yourself humming it a little (it's playing in my head right now but anything can get stuck in my head, I'm not particular about that sort of thing). It's one of the better elements of this crappy episode. Yet, it's not without it's cringe-worthy moments. Especially the music Ellen and her friend play on their boombox. And... when I say "music," I mean funky score piece masquerading as a sort of early 90's cheap pop song. Emphasis on the word "cheap." You'll know the difference between this and Milli Vanilli, let's just say.































Atmosphere: D-

The only thing here that could almost pass for creepy is a scene involving a human on puppet strings, which creates a shadow silhouette upon a watcher who's suitably unsettled. The music can't do the work for all the elements that are lacking here, so it does what it can and then you can't see anything. So, the camera may suddenly decide to race to the sight of something it wants you to be shocked by... but the shot is interrupted by what we can only assume now (because of the bad DVD transfer, so perhaps that's to blame for this) are poorly shot scenes. As for a feeling you might get, I personally kept returning to: "I can't wait 'til it's over."

















In Conclusion:
Terrible episode. Its' best is not good and it's worst is really bad.

Final Grade: D- (2 out of 10)

Tales from the Crypt - Season 6, Episode 10: "In the Groove"

Plot:
Gary and Rita are brother and sister owners of a radio station. She's a cold, bitter business woman who makes the corporate decisions and he's the station's biggest embarrassment- an angry, out of control sexual fantasy talk show host with no callers. After he loses his last sponsor, Rita shakes things up by moving his show to a new time slot and then, partners him up with bookish blonde Valerie. Valerie says she has some ideas on how to make it better. On his first night with her, things begin to get steamy. The call-in lines light up like crazy. His ratings rise. Eventually, after the first month of this- his show becomes a hit. And his sister Rita is none too happy about it. Neither, to his surprise, is Valerie. She wants him to talk about something other than sex. When he does, old family wounds open up. Rita goes on the warpath. And his worst nightmare comes true...































Thoughts & Observations:
Miguel Ferrer is such a hottie. Now, here's a man who can get away with a toughguy front. Though, not so much in this episode where he plays a frustrated D.J. whose show has a theme about sex. He just... complains a lot. And, taking the awful twist into account, he's so easy to manipulate that you realize he wasn't a strong character to begin with- unlike the toughguys in earlier episodes (i.e.: Lance Henriksen's Reno in Season 2's "Cutting Cards"). The only person here with any real character is sitcom pro Wendie Malick, stunning as always as the evil, bitchy sister. It's not a great bitch role, but she looks great playing it. Then, we've got the blonde (Linda Doucett) who practically just sits there and lets her hair do all the talking. I have a hard time believing she gets in anyone's head. Anyway, the twist in this episode is so bad, that you realize how much you wish they would have gone for something supernatural. Heck, The Ben Stiller Show did a parody of Tales from the Crypt that is shockingly similar to this episode's storyline and yet- that had a better twist than this boring "conspiracy" plot. Who else was waiting to see the ghost of the evil dead mother come back and kill someone? Also, not enough shots of Ferrer in those leather pants. Cameos include the multi-talented Rusty Schwimmer (the strip-search guard in Candyman, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday) as a jilted caller (but why is she dressed like she works at a fast-food chicken franchise?), and - believe it or not - the real Slash from Guns 'N Roses playing another D.J. who I can only assume is supposed to be a fake Slash.
















Grades
Writing: F

As I said above, this story just plain sucks. We're talking more loose ends, dead ends, and flat ideas than you can shake a stick at. The characters aren't interesting, likable, or entertaining. Gary is probably supposed to be some kind of Howard Stern knockoff. He's got the deep, sexy voice and can yell with the best of them. But he completely lacks charisma as a personality. Valerie is completely lame. Had the story given her more to do, maybe then her "I'm just sitting here, being blonde and fit" label would be useful for something. Sister Rita is mean and spiteful but she's not really any fun, as these kinds of characters can be when done right. It would have been equally lame to try and turn her into a younger version of their mother, but we don't even get that much depth and insight into what makes her tick. It's just a nasty family and that can be boring- as it certainly is here. The plot is not interesting nor does it leave any real room to do anything creepy or scary. At best, you have some implications of incestual thoughts (which no one cares about anyway). Then, I already mentioned that the twist sucks so, you know what I think about skipping this episode.
















Style / Direction: C-

Maybe this is supposed to be some dark-yellow room-lit noir sort of thing. Visually, there's almost nothing going on. Lots of dull offices, house rooms... it's as dull to look at it as is to try to find substance within. You get a little color with the buttons on the control consoles and a couple lights. And the ending has a couple people dressed in sleek black clothing. How stimulating! The fashion is kind of boring as well, but Wendie and Miguel wear clothes well. No good shots of the main cast in anything especially alluring.































Acting: B-

The acting quality is underwhelming but it's definitely serviceable and shows that, in a better show, this cast is worth what they were paid on later shows such as Crossing Jordan and Just Shoot Me. Wendie is too rushed in all her deliveries and Linda Ducett (as mentioned before) is a total snore. Which just leaves us with Slash, who is exactly what they hired him for: presence, and Miguel who gives it all he's got and is his usual sexy, brooding self in the confrontation scenes. And with this character, you know almost every scene is a confronation.































Special Effects / Gore: C+

A little blood on someone who has already been killed and we see a little blood on a knife during a stabbing... but we don't see the stabbing itself. The rest is just make-up and, other than Wendie's red lipstick, I barely noticed anything. Just all the yellow light.































Music Score: D

You'll barely notice it, which means that must be what they wanted. It's lifeless, cliched, tired. Not special at all.































Atmosphere: C-

The 6th season of Tales from the Crypt is the weakest out of the first six, so this episode blends in with most of the others. Which means, you will get some atmosphere. You will know it's an episode of this show if you watch it in a row with the others. And you'll get the same sort of vibe as you get with several other episodes. Thank the show, ignore the episode.































In Conclusion:
I think you got it all above. There's nothing more I can say.

Final Grade: D (3 out of 10)
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